Something I’ve lately noticed with my family, objectification of women. They do it and it’s so bad. It’s a common practice and it sucks! They where saying to me that before I know it, there will be plenty of woman and I could CHOOSE who I WANTED. It so sad that people still engross themselves in patriarchal values in a society that encourages equality. Explaining this to my family would be hell! It makes me sad that my families community cannot find a way to move on together and create a better example for other similar communities around the world. To show that, objectifying woman isn’t the right thing, psychologically bullying people into being someone they’re not is awful and to encourage that men have the upper hand of the so-called “relationship”. It scares me to know that young girls out there are being forced or brutally persuaded into arrange marriages. I would hate to be a girl in my parents community, because freedom would feel like an element from a parallel universe.
You know what Humans piss me off! Not all humans, just some. They are generally Narrow-minded, Clingy and Stupid, let me explain. Last night I was watching Ray William-Johnston and Anna Akana’s pod cast on Youtube and one of the viewers asked a question along the lines of “If you found a journal with all of the Government’s secrets in it, would you tell people?” They used Area 51 as one of the secrets that the governments kept. This then raised the issue that, if the secrets of Area 51 where disposed then it would start a war. The religious circles would freak out, people would become upset because it doesn’t comply with their schemas and beliefs. Well how the fuck are we supposed to move one?? It’s 2013, shit happens, we discover new things and the only way we can expand and move on is if we accept what lies in front of us. If we have enough faith in religion, then we can have enough faith in something that is in front of us.
The only reason why I spoke about this is because, it relates to me and what’s happened (My parents couldn’t accept that who they believed I was, was not completely true)
Okay, before we dive into this dramatic blogologue (NEW WORD ALERT! NEW WORD ALERT! It basically means a blog that is presented as a monologue) I would like to highlight that what I am about to present to you will probably not have a happy ending and there will possibly be a need to wear black and grieve for me. Anyway, so I had a counselling session today and it was good. During the course of this counselling session I realised something. Amongst the discussion of how I felt and what happened during the period of time since she I had my last session. I realised that I had tonnes of responsibility. More than I could handle! With all the normal responsibilities I had a teenager, I had other ones and soon would have more. Ever since coming out, I had the responsibility of my parents emotions. Anything drastic or mortifying I needed to say I would have to water down. It’s difficult, letting your parents down. I never know what can anger them, sadden them, fill them joy or just destroy all more of their hope for me. It’s also hard for me. I have a stir of emotions for my parents. One minute I hate them and I just want to ignore them, the next minute I miss them and I just want to talk to them. I just have a lot to juggle around, school, being who I am, the cultural side and all the responsibilty. There is only so long I can go on till I just drop everything and I’m really close to getting there.
Oh, forgot to tell you a little incident that happened the other day. On Saturday, I decided to go out and do some Shopping with my friend. Whilst going back to her house, I walked passed a group of 13 year old’s 13 YEAR OLD’S! When one of them turned around and said “Oi, Batty boy. Ibrahim, fucking Batty Man, “Anonymous”, is gonna stab you!” Yeah, okay then!
So my last blog was so fucking morbid, my friends wore black for the rest of the evening after reading this. My friend said that “This blog is not supposed to be an area of the internet where you can go to cut your wrists, it’s meant to serve the viewers as an inspiration chapter of your life in order to act as this inspiration people either have to live with you or they can read your blog, unless they are like me and I get to both read your blog and have you live with me, continue being the inspiration you are to me, living with me, to other people reading your blog, also I think its worth noting I think people would rather read your blog because you’re an annoying little shit to live with, L.O.L jokes!” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Couldn’t wait till he’d shut the fuck up! He’s an actual dick that drags on! Half the readers have probably gone now! Anyway back to the point. What I was trying to say was that although I had a bit of a low time, there is a guarantee that things will get better in the foreseeable future. For example, I just landed my first job! HOW AWESOME. “I think its worth noting” that I get paid more than my friend! Although things may seem a little crap during the moment, it all gets better. I think the important thing is to stay positive, that’s the only thing that’s kept me going. Most people thought I would be contemplating suicide…naaaaaa! It isn’t going to make anything better. I just think, if I get through this all and a person, who is in the same situation that I was, comes to me for help then I can give them advice from first hand experience.
On this blog’s digression we have “Rewrite-the-story-by-making-it-a-personal-anecdote Time”. The story this week is called “The Perks of being a Homosexual” adapted from the original “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” Enjoy.
I’m writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t have narrow-minded views and opinions even though you could have. Please don’t try and figure out who she is, because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don’t want you to do that I will call people by different names or generic names because I don’t want to find me. I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest.”
That is it for the ”Rewrite-the-story-by-making-it-a-personal-anecdote Time” for this Blog’s Digression Time. I really want to make a Youtube Channel, it would be so exciting.
Note the difference in tone with this blog, compared to the other one. It’s because I thought positive and I didn’t get caught up in the low moment. Again, I would like to apologise for my friends digression, but hurray for getting through a Great Gatsby blog.
I can’t do it any more, I’ve lapsed into the crappy nature of despondency and doubt. I can’t be positive any more. Everything has just messed up! From my school life to home life. I’m far too behind in my coursework to catch up and hand it in on time, I have heaps and masses of other coursework’s that have tight deadlines, I have pressure from my family asking me to do all sorts. I just can’t. I can’t see it getting better from here! Eventually I will succumb to the guilt tactics of my family and just lead a miserable life of being someone who I am not. Everything will change back to the old and dreaded “normal”. I just need a break. I just want to shut myself in a room with an endless supply of trifles and of course Harry Styles. You cannot forget Harry. That would just be a dream…in fact no…that would be success. But no, that won’t happen. I will lead the sad, miserable life of a breeder and produce little gremlins that’ll destroy my life! Eh…help. :’(
After all that’s just happened in my life, I feel so numb! I feel like I am reacting in the worst way possible. Shouldn’t I be upset and distraught? Shouldn’t I be Isolating myself? Shouldn’t I be constantly crying? I don’t know… I feel terrible and guilty. I’m prodding around like there hasn’t been this atomic bomb set off in my family. Everyone tells me “Oh, it must be a relief now that it’s all out!” No it isn’t, because now I’ve got to worry about people. I’m just annoyed that I am not showing any regret or remorse. I’m just annoyed that everyone is worried that I may bottle everything up and just explode one day, when in reality, I have nothing to bottle up. I don’t know, should I be feeling nothing? Or should I be feeling something?
There is one thing I am certain about, numb or not, I am happy that I told my parents despite the complexities and the shitty social workers!
And I haven’t shown this enough, but to everyone who has supported me and was there from day one, I really do love you all and to know that there are people looking out for me is just the best thing ever. Also do realise that I will make sure you are rewarded “One way or another”
As for my family, I really do wish you could understand how I feel. It’s not great having to say “no” to you. You both know that I hate saying “no”. It really sucks to go against anything you’re saying. I really do love you both, but sometimes I have to sacrifice certain things, to make other things better…even if for once I am selfish. I love you…and there isn’t any other way I could show you.