Life would’ve been easier to cope with if my parents had no feelings at all. Just psychopathic humans. It’s difficult in my situation. Knowing that my parents will never come to terms with my sexuality and then knowing they still love me. Knowing that their kind of love is “Tough love”. Knowing that anything I say could cause an uproar in the community, knowing that I am responsible for the emotions of my whole family, knowing that I am so close to turning my home into a broken home. It’s just hard. I hate that! Just knowing that I am hurting my parents for being who I am! Knowing that everything that is going on, I can still be happy. I have had low moments a couple of times, but thats acceptable. I just know that in 20 years time I’ll look back an say;
“Well that wasn’t so bad was it!”
And I really do hope I say that with my parents.
Okay, I am still here, There is a lot going on at the moment. I’m about to move to a flat on my own and I have like shitloads of coursework. Like I said I will be doing a video, I just really don’t know when now.
Well, I haven’t posted for like 2 months! A lot has happened. But….not gonna tell you! HA! I’m gonna be making a video, I’ll probably plan during the holidays. But I have too much to do…you know, A LEVELS! I fucking hate school. Anyways
Something I’ve lately noticed with my family, objectification of women. They do it and it’s so bad. It’s a common practice and it sucks! They where saying to me that before I know it, there will be plenty of woman and I could CHOOSE who I WANTED. It so sad that people still engross themselves in patriarchal values in a society that encourages equality. Explaining this to my family would be hell! It makes me sad that my families community cannot find a way to move on together and create a better example for other similar communities around the world. To show that, objectifying woman isn’t the right thing, psychologically bullying people into being someone they’re not is awful and to encourage that men have the upper hand of the so-called “relationship”. It scares me to know that young girls out there are being forced or brutally persuaded into arrange marriages. I would hate to be a girl in my parents community, because freedom would feel like an element from a parallel universe.
You know what Humans piss me off! Not all humans, just some. They are generally Narrow-minded, Clingy and Stupid, let me explain. Last night I was watching Ray William-Johnston and Anna Akana’s pod cast on Youtube and one of the viewers asked a question along the lines of “If you found a journal with all of the Government’s secrets in it, would you tell people?” They used Area 51 as one of the secrets that the governments kept. This then raised the issue that, if the secrets of Area 51 where disposed then it would start a war. The religious circles would freak out, people would become upset because it doesn’t comply with their schemas and beliefs. Well how the fuck are we supposed to move one?? It’s 2013, shit happens, we discover new things and the only way we can expand and move on is if we accept what lies in front of us. If we have enough faith in religion, then we can have enough faith in something that is in front of us.
The only reason why I spoke about this is because, it relates to me and what’s happened (My parents couldn’t accept that who they believed I was, was not completely true)
Okay, before we dive into this dramatic blogologue (NEW WORD ALERT! NEW WORD ALERT! It basically means a blog that is presented as a monologue) I would like to highlight that what I am about to present to you will probably not have a happy ending and there will possibly be a need to wear black and grieve for me. Anyway, so I had a counselling session today and it was good. During the course of this counselling session I realised something. Amongst the discussion of how I felt and what happened during the period of time since she I had my last session. I realised that I had tonnes of responsibility. More than I could handle! With all the normal responsibilities I had a teenager, I had other ones and soon would have more. Ever since coming out, I had the responsibility of my parents emotions. Anything drastic or mortifying I needed to say I would have to water down. It’s difficult, letting your parents down. I never know what can anger them, sadden them, fill them joy or just destroy all more of their hope for me. It’s also hard for me. I have a stir of emotions for my parents. One minute I hate them and I just want to ignore them, the next minute I miss them and I just want to talk to them. I just have a lot to juggle around, school, being who I am, the cultural side and all the responsibilty. There is only so long I can go on till I just drop everything and I’m really close to getting there.
Oh, forgot to tell you a little incident that happened the other day. On Saturday, I decided to go out and do some Shopping with my friend. Whilst going back to her house, I walked passed a group of 13 year old’s 13 YEAR OLD’S! When one of them turned around and said “Oi, Batty boy. Ibrahim, fucking Batty Man, “Anonymous”, is gonna stab you!” Yeah, okay then!